I have been feeling so frazzled and overwhelmed with all the things I need to do (real or imaginary) that I’ve been missing the big picture and the little things. I haven’t been in the moment in I don’t know how long. I took the dog for a walk around Lake Chabot today and I stopped innumerable times to add items to my to do list, email D about plans or ideas (if I could remember them to write them down after the walk I would, but I never remember what it was that occurred to me). There was no just enjoying where I was, walking the dog in the crisp morning air. My mind was racing the whole damn time.
I just always feel like there’s something I should be doing. Laundry, dishes, cleaning and cooking are part of it and they’re never, ever done. There is always a pile of clean laundry to fold and always dishes to be put away. But the problem is that I find myself missing the small things because I’m always thinking about what I have to do next. And I’m missing things that J wants to do with me. If I was paying attention, real attention, to him, I like to think that I would have picked up on some subtle things this week during our time together rather than figuring it out later. Instead I skipped right by what he was trying to say or do at the speed of light and missed out.
That’s another thing that’s been bothering me hugely. I am always, always, in a rush. A rush to get breakfast together, a rush to get out the door, a rush to run errands, a rush to pick J up, a rush to make dinner. There’s no just being where I am and appreciating it. There’s no slowing down and enjoying breakfast together because he has to finish so we can rush off to whatever we have planned that day. I have to figure out a better way to do this. I have to. Because this is slowly killing me, and it’s hurting him. No one wants to be told to hurry up and eat, or hurry up and get clothes/shoes/jacket on every single damn day. I hate this rushing in the morning. I don’t want to have to give up my work outs in the morning but we need more time. I don’t know. I am going to have to figure it out. Something else for my brain to start working on :/